Finding a Balance

Yep, I suck at balance.  And consistency.

However, I am awesome at obsession.  But somehow, that just doesn’t sound as good.  Or feel as good.

So I’ll keep focusing on improving at balance and consistency.  And dammit, I will achieve those two things if it kills me.  And it just might.

But for now, while I’m still sucking, let me tell you about my last week and a half.

So you know, I was working on keeping up with my housekeeping schedule.  And trying to keep up with the exercise.  And eating right.  And getting back into photography.  And selling our random unnecessary household crap on Craigslist.  Oh, and not shopping.  And not eating out.

I did great on the housekeeping for the first week.  And then I got to take the weekend off!  And then Monday, I looked around and realized that the house really wasn’t too bad.  Same thing on Tuesday, and Wednesday, and so on.  Then on Saturday, I realized that I seriously needed to vacuum and clean the bathrooms because I had a day full of photo sessions on Sunday.  So I got those things done.  Then this week came, and I totally just kept putting it off.  Ugh.

The great news is that it’s not a complete pig sty, and it hasn’t been 6 months since I dusted and swept.  The bad news is that the 2 loads of laundry I accomplished that first week are still sitting in baskets in my bedroom.  Laundry fairy FAIL.  One of the upsides/downsides to compulsive shopping and being homebodies is that we have lots of clothes and we rarely wear them.  Sooooo we can go a while between doing loads of laundry.

Next – exercise.  Not doing so great on this one either.  I really am on this schedule where I rock one week, and suck the next three.

Eating right?  Well, I’m doing good about 67% of the time.  But days like today, where I’m sick and my stomach feels like a bottomless pit, are not helping things.

Getting back into photography IS going well.  Hallelujah, we have something I’m excelling at!  I’ve been taking pictures left and right!  And this weekend, I get to take newborn shots of my fabulous new nephew that FINALLY got out of the hospital today.  A week after he was born, poor thing!

And speaking of photography, I am gaining soooo much confidence.  I updated my pricing and my website info and I have finally realized that while I may not offer everything, I do take great portraits.  So I’ll just rock what I do well.  Woot!

Selling stuff on Craigslist…this has slowed way down but I’m still making progress.  I have made about $900 thus far!  And I’ve added a few more things in the past week.  I need to work on listing some of my Precious Moments figurines on Ebay.  And I’ve been putting that off.  Soooooo so-so on this subject.

Not shopping?  Oh, I am killing this one!  I have done an amazing job of avoiding Target.  So, huge pat on the back here.  Let’s hope this one sticks because it’s one of the most important things I needed to change!

And to the last mission – not eating out.  Well, we have sucked big time.  I have nothing to blame it on except massive amounts of laziness.  For the first time this year, I didn’t get to the grocery store on my scheduled day.  And then it just snowballed from there.  But we used the cash from the Craigslist sales, so I guess that’s the ONLY thing we did right.  The positive thing is that we went shopping and we are now back on track.

Onto the next piece of business….

I swear I must be the MOST fickle person in the entire world.  I hope someone comments and lets me know that I am not alone.  Sometimes I am dead-set on having the perfect body.  And sometimes I feel perfectly fine at my current weight.  I am wondering if the only difference is how lazy I’m feeling?  When I’m motivated, I feel pumped and ready to hit 123 pounds.  When I’m not, I feel perfectly content to hover around 140.

I don’t know which one is the healthiest way to be?  J, being the amazingly supportive husband that he is, says that I look perfect just the way I am.  And I do feel beautiful.  Honestly!

I’m still hung up on the skin removal surgery.  I spoke about an opportunity for J a post or two ago.  It’s been pushed back to late July, but if it happens, I definitely plan to have the surgery.  It will just have to be after he gets home, around the end of this year or the beginning of next.  So still not something that will be in my immediate future.

Basically, I just don’t know what I want.  Losing the first 100 pounds was so easy compared to this.  Do I really feel driven enough to have the perfectly fit body?  After 2 1/2 months of 2012, I’m showing that I do not.  Does that mean I’m failing?  I just don’t know.  I see these people on Facebook who are rocking it and achieving amazingly chiseled bodies.  I am not doing that.  But is it enough just to eat right and exercise and not have the perfect body?

And that’s really a question to myself.  Because obviously the logical answer is yes.  And I’ll just apologize now to anyone who reads my blog.  It has to be super annoying to witness my back and forth attitude.  It’s just that I really do want the perfect body, but I’m just not sure that I have the motivation to ever achieve it.  So I just change my mind week to week.

And I find myself weighing in daily (or lately, just weekly) and feeling like I’m letting down you guys.  And that’s clearly a silly worry.  It doesn’t affect you one way or another if I gain or lose a pound.  But I just want to make you proud!

So right now, I’m trying to juggle everything, and I’m having mixed results.  But I really do feel like overall, 2012 is going great.  It may not be perfect, but I’m optimistic that it will continue to improve.

To any of you who have also lost the vast majority of your weight, are you feeling the way I am?  Are you fickle about those last 15 pounds?  Are you planning on having skin removal surgery?

Update on my hip-hop dance class: I can now do all 3 required tricks and I have the first half nearly memorized.  I may not have to fake 2 broken legs on recital day after all! :)

And because I know you care – I got to hold my nephew finally, when he was four days old:

And look how tiny and handsome he is: