It’s really happening! I paid my deposit today, and my skin removal surgery is happening in just under three months.
I mentioned this in my last update post, but here is the plan. My first surgery will include these three things:
After I heal from the first surgery, I hope to have this surgery:
Now, a big gulp. I currently sit at about 163 pounds. I don’t know where I want to be for surgery, but it’s not here. So here is where I start waging a huge internal war with myself. I want my body to be different and smaller before I go under the knife. Since losing the initial weight (115 lbs), I’ve mostly only been able to gain (30 lbs) or maintain. That’s because I’m so scared to go into what I call “Psycho Nicole” mode where I count everything that goes into my mouth and exercise like a maniac.
I thought I could simply eat in moderation and exercise daily to lose weight slowly. But I found that this didn’t work. It’s not that the plan wouldn’t work, it’s that I couldn’t stick to the plan. I have learned that my body doesn’t lose weight from exercise if I don’t eat 99.2% cleanly as well. On the bright side, I was able to maintain! And then J came home and we started eating out like maniacs and that all went to hell.
Sidenote – I’m 7 days restaurant-free! It’s pathetic that I’m proud of myself for that, but whatever.
So here’s the deal, I definitely am not ready for surgery at this point. But I have absolutely no clue how I’m going to get ready for surgery.
Things that are out:
Exercising 2 hours per day
Things that (I hope) are in:
I want to scream out in frustration at myself right now. I really do – because I have had months to make these changes and I just haven’t done it. I am the best at waiting until the last minute and I’d say that 3 months is just about last minute when you are up 30 pounds.
I’m not making any declarations here, I’m just talking this out. I’m so excited and I won’t let myself down. This is something I wanted so badly, and I don’t want to spend one minute regretting my body after it’s done. It’s not even that I don’t feel okay in this body, it just doesn’t feel like me. I feel bloated. All the time. Gross.
I’ll of course keep you updated as I go along, but I’m going to try to not be obsessive about things. I’m going into this completely at my body’s mercy. I’ve made a gazillion plans and I never follow through. So for once, we’ll just see how it goes. And I’m having this damn surgery on August 27th, so I just have to figure it out.
My downfall is eating out and snacking when I’m bored. Those are absolutely my top two issues. Oh, and the fact that I sit around way too much. So, we’ll focus on those and see how this works.
If my body is exactly the same as it is now when August rolls around, then so be it. Because I am healthy. And if I couldn’t drop any dress sizes with surgery on the horizon, then nothing else will make it happen either. My skin will be gone, and I’ll love my body.
Do I sound like my brain is all over the place? Well, that’s because it is. I’m preparing myself for all of the possibilities. I have to or else I’ll lose my mind.
Well, this blog took a turn for the worse and now I sound all depressed. But I’m not really. I’m excited and anxious and hopeful and concerned. Yep, all at the same time. But I’m ready for this. I am SOOO ready. I won’t let myself down. My body needs to be in tip-top shape to recover from surgery so I have to start treating it right. I will do it. I will.
And don’t forget, I will be documenting every step of this surgery journey! There will be lots of TMI photos (okay, not toooooo TMI) and probably many posts written while I’m under the influence of narcotics. That’ll be half the fun, right? I think so.