A Moment

I need to have a moment.  I thought maybe I shouldn’t blog tonight but dammit, it’s my blog and if I need to have a moment on my own blog, I’ll go ahead and have a damn moment.

FYI: This will be a NPP.  No picture post.  My iPhone has over 3k pictures and it won’t let me take one.more.picture until I dump the other 3k.  And I’m tired.  So it’ll happen tomorrow.

Back to my moment.

I had another sleepless night.  No crazy arm jumping at least – just run of the mill insomnia.  But I still did a few ugly cry faces and rolled over frequently to watch J sleeping peacefully on FaceTime.  And I’m pretty sure I badmouthed him.

The one good thing that came out of the insomnia is that I think I found a house for us to temporarily live in when we first get to Hawaii.  His company will pay a stupid amount of money for the first 30 days so we can get settled and find a long term place. (And our goods won’t be there for at least a month so that’s another thing.)  Anyway, here’s what it looks like:

It’s 5 bedrooms & 3 baths, and it’s about 10 minutes north of Honolulu.  I’ve talked to the owner three times today and I think it’s in the bag.  But no money has exchanged hands so hopefully that will happen tomorrow.

And I guess I was wrong about the no picture thing.  But that’s it – no more pictures.

So after not getting to sleep until 5am, I woke up around 9:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  And boohoo, I know many people get by just fine on 4.5 hours.  I’m just not one of them.  So I stayed in bed until 11am and then gave up.  And my kids are so awesome that they stayed asleep until then too.  Homeschooling is awesome.  (Admittedly, we aren’t doing all that much homeschooling these few weeks, but we have plenty of time to make up for that.)

I did a lot of nothing for a few hours and then J’s mom came by.  I enjoyed her company and she helped me clean up a huge tea mess that happened in the fridge.  Then she left and I made dinner.  Like a REAL dinner.  Porkchops, wild rice and green beans.  I felt like a real mom again.

Then I sat back down on my ass and downloaded a book.  I haven’t read a book in weeks and TV bores me.  So I bought “The Husband’s Secret” and so far so good.

Then I realized that tomorrow is trash day so I begged my 6 year old to help me get the can to the curb. I am pretty sure I did most of the work, but he tried really hard.  Cute little bugger.

Then I did the dishes.  Again with the mom thing.  I never thought I’d enjoy doing dishes.

So why do I need to have a moment, you ask?  I have no freaking clue.  But I’m tired of “recovering from surgery”.  It’s stupid and ridiculous and I wanted this surgery so much.  And I’m crazy fortunate and grateful and blah blah blah.  So I know my little moment is stupid.  I knooooooooow.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to cry every freaking minute this week.  I have no idea why I’m so emotional.  I’m happy and I’m frustrated all at the same time.  I’m recovering nicely but it’s just not quick enough.  My dad’s birthday party is in 5 days and I want to be totally okay by then.  And in two and a half weeks, I’ll be setting out for 12 hours on a plane.  Will I still be babying my sutures and my sore, bruised legs?

Gahhhhh.  I stink but I’m afraid to shower without J here.  I’m not able to sleep but I can’t even toss and turn like a normal person.  I got winded halfway through cooking dinner and worried I couldn’t cut my children’s porkchops.  I was scared to death I was going to rip myself apart just pulling the trash can down my driveway.

I’ve never wanted to get up and run circles like I do right now.  I feel claustrophobic.  I’ve never been incapable of doing something I wanted to do.  Even sitting hurts my ass.

I’m being a big baby.  I really do know that.  But I’m human and I just need to have a moment.  So here it is.  And tomorrow I will put on my big girl smile and watch my little girl bridge from a Daisy to Brownie.  And I’ll remember how effing lucky I am to be recovering from surgery.  Because I dreamed of this and I’ll be forever thankful that this was a part of my journey.

But tonight I’m going to cry and read and hopefully get some sleep.

P.S. I re-read this and I know I sound like an asshole.  But sometimes I am an asshole and it’s okay.

P.P.S. I need chocolate.  That same 6 year old gave me about 15 of his m&ms and I love him for it.  But I need about 476 more.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    you are so strong for going through all of this. I didn’t do as much as you, but I had a mommy makeover in April. It was brutal. Much longer to recover than I ever thought and it was taxing both mentally and physically. I just wanted to be recovered and stop inconveniencing everyone around me and also stop thinking about my surgery, my body, my incisions, my scars, etc. I think you’re doing great. It’s such a roller coaster. I know you have others around you that have gone through it, so you have a great resource. I just wanted to say it’s ok to feel like you’re falling apart one minute and have it together the next. Just go with it. The roller coaster ride will be over soon. Then you’ll be able to enjoy your fabulous new you!!

    • says

      Thanks for taking the time to comment! Congrats on your own surgery and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. You are right about that roller coaster! Hope you are fully recovered and feeling great. Thanks again. :)

  2. says

    Nicole you have accomplished so much more than most. So if you need to sit and cry or come on here and vent well girl I am here for you. I do love the pictures of the temporary house you found and I hope that you’ll feel better soon. You know Cassie and I are here if you ever need to talk. Christine