Content & Settled

I would like to confess that the kids and I rock out to Miley and the Bieb every morning to get our day started just right.  And I’m not at all embarrassed.  Miley may make some choices that I don’t quite understand, but I still love her damn music.  And same goes with JB, although I’m more selective about his songs.

But seriously, I’ve thought a lot about Miley and the woman she’s turning into.  After the whole VMA debacle, I was like, “Whoa!  What the hell happened to sweet Hannah Montana?”  But then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she’s been portrayed as someone for all of these years.  And now she’s just doing whatever the hell she wants – image be damned.  She cut her hair and sticks her tongue out.  She talks about doing ecstasy. (Which, by the way, when she says “…dancing with Molly…” in her song, Audra thinks she’s saying “Miley” and I’m totally good with that. P.S. I had to google WTH “molly” meant because I’m that old.)  But I mean, she makes some good points, and I usually find her to be quite intelligent in her interviews.

I found this article and loved her quotes.  Here are a few that they posted:

I remember seeing somewhere where she found it ironic that during the VMA performance, they censored the word “molly” while allowing her to dance around on stage the way she did.  I mean, isn’t that totally right?!  I’m much more “offended” by that visual image than I am a word about drugs in a song.  I’m not really offended by either, although I hope to never see Audra doing them.  But she may, and what the eff am I going to do about it?  Does it make her a bad person?  Nope.  And I’ve definitely made about 1000 choices that made my parents groan in frustration.  Shit happens.  We are our own people, and we don’t always do things that make others happy.

Okay that was random.  I think I have too much time on my hands.

So yesterday, I actually did get off my ass and walk to the grocery store!  I took Austin with me and that was the best decision ever.  He is so much fun.

It turned out that the walk was 1.5 miles each way (versus the 1 mile I previously thought), and the clouds were looking ominous.

Let me explain that it rarely rains on this part of the island.  It’s the reason every single new neighborhood has crazy sprinkler systems and the water bill is insane.  It never rains.  Well, it did yesterday.  And it rained a lot.  For like a mile of our walk home.  
But Austin has this magical thing in him where instead of complaining, he finds the fun in (most) everything.  So although we got drenched, he still had a smile on his face when we got home.  
We got the ingredients we needed for the pork loin (which was stupid easy and fantastically delicious btw).  We also got some other crap that made my shoulders ache the entire way home.  We definitely need to get a cart.
So we just walked yesterday, but there are bike racks at the store, so I definitely see some biking in Austin’s future.  And if I only need to grab a few things, it would work for me as well. (When my bike is fixed, that is.)  I’m really excited that the store is so close.  There is also a Starbucks (in the Safeway and out), Supercuts, UPS, Ross and hardware store up there as well.  So many options!
Okay, moving on.
Remember how I raved about our kitchen?  Well, here is one reason why.  The kids area eating their lunch, I’m prepping mine (and by prepping, I mean cooking a frozen organic lasagna in the microwave), and we decide to try some banana ice cream in the process.  So I pulled out some bananas and started chopping.  (Side note – I want you to pretend you don’t notice that Austin is wearing the same shirt 2 days in a row.)
I realize that a change in environment doesn’t change a person, but it can help a person become who she wanted to be all along.  I want to be that mom that just does things on a whim and doesn’t make everything a huge damn production.  Before, I would plan meals out for 2 weeks at a time.  I’d spend hours making my meal plan and grocery list.  That plan worked fairly well for our main meals, but anytime I wanted to make something special (smoothie, dessert, snack, etc), I’d usually forget about it within a day or two.  Then guess what?  Any of the perishable items I bought would end up in the trash when I did the whole process again.  If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I get easily overwhelmed.
Anyway, that’s why having the grocery store so close, having J home, and having this open type of kitchen is so very perfect.  I can stand at the counter with the kids so they can be apart of the whole process.  And if we decide to try something new, I can easily run up and get the ingredients.  And then it can be done immediately.  Because if I wait one damn day, it’s forgotten.  
I really want to live more in the moment and stop trying to plan so much.  I like to plan and make lists because I can sit on my ass while doing it.  But I rarely follow through on my plans and my lists usually end up half done.  So my goal is to do things when I feel inspired, and stop overwhelming myself with the millions of ideas I have floating around in my head.  
I was actually going to make a list of the things I still needed to do in the house.  But the truth is that it won’t help me complete them any faster.  I already know what I need to do – I’m just putting some of things off (namely hanging the damn curtains).  So I won’t do that.
Lists will always be helpful for me when my head feels clustered.  It helps to put it all down so I can prioritize.  But right now I don’t have anything super time-sensitive to accomplish, so I’ll just try to get them done when I want.  I’d only be making a list so I can cross the items off.  And you know damn well I’d add the items I already completed because that would give me a running start. 😉
Off to do…something.  Not sure yet what that something will be.
• • • • •
I’m back.  I even accomplished some stuff!  I finally unpacked my jewelry and put it in my mirror/jewelry holder thingy.
On the way to take the picture, I found my son relaxing.  I thought only toddlers and cats did this kind of stuff?
Excuse the random dirty sock that should actually be in the laundry basket instead of the the boy.
While I was up there doing the jewelry, I started a documentary called The Whale.  J came home during it and I roped him into untangling my necklaces and then helping me fold laundry.
We also finished our banana ice cream.
We froze the bananas for about 2 hours and that was perfect.  We used 3 large bananas and that was about 4 servings.  And also, I still love my Ninja.  I’ve now used the blender, single-serve cups, and both the small and large food processing bowls.  Everything I’ve tried has been fantastic.  Definitely recommend.
So anyway, while I was upstairs organizing my jewelry, I suddenly realized how content I am.  I am starting to feel settled.  Maybe I’m just ovulating or something so I’m especially euphoric.  I was in a funk just two days ago.  But here’s how I’m viewing this phase in my life:
• I am starting to feel more confidence in my homeschooling choices with the kids.  I’m seeing daily progress in them which tells me our lifestyle is working.
• I am feeling more comfortable in in my home which has me motivated to stay on top of the clutter and general housekeeping. (Which is turn makes me feel even more comfortable – it’s a cycle.)
• I am working to find more ways to be naturally active that are less about just exercising.
• I am living in a geographic location that is appealing to me (mountains and water!) which means I have endless opportunities to get out and enjoy myself.
• Since having my surgery, I’m way less concerned about my body.  I’m wearing whatever is comfortable.  No more skin-suctioning clothing.
• Although I don’t love college as much as I’d hoped, I’m still advancing my education.  I’m just a few days shy of completing my 44th credit hour.  Over a 1/3 of the way done with my BA in Psychology!
• I can’t yet clearly see my future, but my “now” is so great that I’m not dwelling on it.  For some reason, I see myself in talk radio.  And if that’s meant to be, I know that things will fall into place to make it happen.  So there’s no reason to stress.
• My husband is home.  Our marriage is better than ever. (Except when he pisses me off. Ha.)  I’m never letting him leave us again.
I’m writing this out for many reasons.  One, it’s a reminder to me of how far I’ve come.  But two, my hope has always been to reach the women out there (and men too) that were in my shoes a decade ago. I was so unhappy and so hopeless.  I hated myself and I thought that the way I felt would last forever.  But it didn’t.  And I’m so glad I hung on for the ride.  I wish I could have enjoyed those years more, and maybe I would have if I could have seen the future.  I don’t know.  But I felt so purposeless, and it turns out that all of those years of depression has become my purpose.  I found out that just being me is helpful and inspiring.
So every time I try to fight against my nature – every time I fight so damn hard to change something about myself and fail – I need to remember that it will come.  Sometimes there are external/environmental changes that have to happen first.  And maybe you just can’t control those.  So instead of trying to fix yourself so much, maybe learning to love those parts of you is the cure.  Maybe embracing your faults is what will propel you to success.  I’m not all that different than I was a decade ago.  I’ve changed some habits and I’ve refocused some priorities.  But the core of me is still the same.  I’m just less apologetic now about my faults.
Some of that comes with age – I know that.  But there 20 year olds who are more well-adjusted than some 60 year olds I know.  So I’m working hard to observe others and absorb as much as I can.  I feel like that can only help me in my own journey.  And that’s why I’m honest on here – even if I come off as a fickle nutjob.  I’m not the only one. 😉
Okay, I’m off to go on a little family walk.  J has been patience long enough.