We’ve now been in Hawaii for over four months. It’s still every bit as beautiful, and we still have plenty to do and see. I’m not at all sad that we’re missing the record-breaking snowfall in Indiana – in fact I absolutely adore going to the beach in the middle of February. Our house has come together beautifully, we don’t have bug issues, and we’ve actually been having (lots of) people over! The kids are making many friends, and I’m socializing as well. But most of all, I’m so thankful to have our family back together. Aside from the newfound appreciation we have for each other, it’s almost like J’s time in Afghanistan never happened.
Life is really really good.
So what the hell is happening with my declining emotional state? Everything I could ever want is right before me, but I can feel my happiness waning. And I gotta be honest with you, that’s just not okay.
I could just not post about this. There’s something to be said for putting on a smile and showing a front of continued bliss. There is. But I’ve never been that girl. This blog is about being real, and I’m really trying to figure out what is wrong.
I think I finally know what it is. I feel like a failure.
That’s dramatic, I know. But it’s the best way to describe it. And let me be clear – I am not looking for sympathy. I live in Hawaii, I have an amazing family, and my life is good. Woe is me. But I am on a quest to make my life the best it can be, and this is part of it. So please, just quit rolling your eyes and stick with me for a few minutes.
In my short life, I’ve attempted so many things on a personal level (that have nothing to do with my marriage or motherhood), and I can’t seem to be successful. My photography business was a bust and threw us into major debt. I didn’t come close to recouping payment for the time I spent on the food magnets. I’ve been blogging for four years, and I can’t seem to grow beyond a small readership. (Although I do appreciate each one of you!)
But I had my weight loss. I rocked the hell out of that, and I felt accomplished. But then my loose skin got the best of me emotionally, and my success started to slip. Then I took care of the loose skin, and I thought that was it. I was good to go. Except no. That’s not what happened. I’ve gained 25 pounds since just after surgery, and I can’t seem to stop. I’m just ballooning. It’s scary honestly. It’s scary that I have to put so much effort into not being obese.
It’s like I had this one thing that I felt good at – being healthy – and now I no longer have that.
It’s not really a rational thought at all. I’m still healthy, my body just does not appear to reflect that. However, I eat mostly healthy, and I can hike miles without effort.
But since I can’t seem to figure out why I’m gaining weight so rapidly, I feel like a failure.
So I had a moment of sadness, but I don’t like to feel a loss of control. I simply can’t accept that things aren’t fixable. I may not have it in me to deal with it immediately, but I need to know that I can.
The whole reason I’m even writing this post is because I’ve been trying to figure out for weeks what my problem is. It was so irrational – my emotional decline – and I can’t just accept it. I’m the luckiest girl in the world, and I want to feel that way in all areas of my life. I know I’m not alone in this. I think many of us have so much going for us, but it’s never enough. I don’t know if that makes us greedy or selfish. I don’t know. I think mostly it just makes us human.
But anyway. I started to think back on all of my “failures”. My photography business. My food magnets. My blog. My weight loss. I worked so hard on all of them. But what I didn’t do was follow through. Consistency is something I lack in all areas of my life, and it’s definitely something needed to be successful.
I do everything half-assed. Like everything. I do just as much as feels natural to me, and then I expect the rest to just work itself out. But that’s not how life works. Successful people don’t wait for things to happen for them. They don’t wait for clients to come to them. They don’t wait for people to just randomly find their blog. They put themselves out there. They risk annoying everyone they know in an effort to reach the masses. I’ve resisted doing the latter because I hate being one of those annoyed people. But honestly, it works. You have to be persistent. And you have to be consistent. And I am neither.
So I have some choices. Suck it up, and just understand that I didn’t have it in me to go the distance in some areas. Everything else in my life is fantastic, and I have a lot to be thankful for. Or I can make a plan, follow through, and see what happens. If I’m actually consistent and do everything possible, then I can bitch about the results. But honestly, I don’t get to do that right now. I don’t get to be upset that I’m gaining weight, because I haven’t put in real work recently to make anything else happen. I don’t get to be sad that my ventures haven’t seen the success I wanted, because my fears and lack of consistency have held me back.
Success won’t just happen to me. Or you. Or anyone else.
I want it. It’s important to me. I don’t want to just live in a nice house in Hawaii because I married an amazing guy who makes enough money to support us. I don’t want to just raise three great kids, because they’ll be off on their own some day. I need more, and I need to feel like I personally earned it. I used to think it was all about the dollar. I thought success meant having enough money to do the things I want to do. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t work that way. I want to feel accomplished – not rich. I want that satisfaction of knowing I tried something and it worked. I want to know I was capable of doing something great. I know in the end, I’ll be grateful that success isn’t easy. I know it’s going to be worth it.