A Dose of Honesty

It’s been a rough week mentally. I’m about 78% certain that most of it is related to my period, but somehow that doesn’t seem to make it much easier. It’s frustrating because my mood can switch so suddenly and it makes me question everything about myself and what I’m doing with my life. I can still have fun and do exciting things – but there’s that little nugget inside of me that makes me think negative thoughts. And sometimes, they spill out of me and it really goes against everything I’ve become in recent years. I don’t like it.

The good news is I can already feel like I’m on an upswing in the past few days. I’m not all the way out of it, but I can see the light. I do try to use these times to reflect on my life. Am I doing things that bring me joy? Am I being authentic to myself? Am I trying to force things when it’s not truly necessary? Should I reevaluate my priority list? I’m thinking I’ll explore that further in another blog post.

Although it wasn’t the best week, my numbers weren’t bad. I missed two walks, but I was active each day. My step count was 97,775 (nearly 14k/day). I walked a total of 12 miles and hiked another 11. I also did an hour of spin and spent 90 minutes at a ballroom dancing class. I lifted weights twice, which is all I asked of myself. Hoping for the same this week.

All told, I burned an average of 2578 calories/day. My long hike on Sunday certainly contributed to the higher number, so I’m not sure how that really works in terms of weight loss. If you burn 4300 calories in a single day and only consume less than half that, I don’t think you’re only burning fat. Right? I’m not sure.

I averaged 2168 calories/day consumption. The math says I should have lost less than a pound, but shedding some water weight made it closer to two. The scale today says I’m under 150 for the first time since moving to Hawai’i nearly two years ago. I’m pretty excited about that.

However, making progress on the scale isn’t necessarily helping my self-esteem. Part of my negative mood lately has been related to my body image. It’s the strangest thing. I find that sometimes when I lose weight, I start to see myself as bigger than I was previously. Maybe it’s like a very mild case of body dysmorphia? I start to focus on the things I dislike most (my arms & legs), and it’s all I can see. So I decided to finally take some updated pictures of myself and compare them to where I was a year ago. And yes, major difference. (Side note: are my tan lines rad or what?!)

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But those damn arms. They are weighing me down both literally and physically. If you’ll recall, it’s the only thing I haven’t yet had surgery on. And I have felt myself beginning to become obsessed with the idea. But it’s just not realistic right now. We have too much going on for me to go under the knife, not to mention the cost of the procedure. I can tell myself all day long that they’re fine – I need to stop focusing on them. But it doesn’t work. It just doesn’t.

So what can I do about it? Well, I know what I want to do. I want to start hitting the weights consistently so that I can rebuild the arms I had just a few years ago. But I’ve had that on my to-do list for quite a long time without success. What worked way back then? Seeing a trainer twice a week. It seems to be the only thing that keeps me accountable, so I’ve been on the lookout for a new one.  Having a personal trainer isn’t cheap though, so I’m struggling to find someone affordable.

It’s so easy to tell myself that I can just create a plan and stick to it. But the truth is that I’ve been trying to do that for years. And sure, I can do it for a few weeks maybe. But then I get bored and it becomes less of a priority. I want to believe that I can just be disciplined enough to make it happen on my own, but my history says otherwise. I’m trying to create an environment that will not allow me to fail. I’ll keep you updated. In the end, I may have to simply keep trying on my own, but I have my fingers crossed that I can find a trainer that will fit in my budget.

I’ve also decided that I would like to work a little bit harder to lose weight. I’d like to get to 140 and reevaluate. When I look back at pictures of myself from that weight, my arms are closer to where I want them to be. Of course, I thought they were huge back then, but it’s truly all relevant. The journey continues…

Now for last week’s pictures!

So even though we’ve had dental and medical insurance the entire time we’ve lived here, we’re just now getting our regular checkups. Better late than never, right? But because of the delay, I had to get a deep cleaning in my mouth, and I ended up rocking an Elvis smile for quite a few hours after my appointment.

IMG_6328 Tuesday, we headed windward for a photo session. The fam tagged along and we had some fun active time.IMG_9004 I also got this absolutely incredible image of my three.IMG_9093e And they got to spend some time playing in the water (which doesn’t happen as often as you’d think since I hate hanging out at the beach).IMG_9058 Sis and I got our hair done on Wednesday. I just got my grays covered and a little trim, but the girl got some brand spankin’ new bangs. They look amazing on her.DSC03462 Saturday, we attended a birthday party. I was reminded why I always talk the kids out of parties because I can not live up to the epicness of these other moms. I mean, a cotton candy machine? They were on cloud nine.IMG_6422 Later that night, we attended our second ballroom dancing class with our good friends. It was Dirty Dancing-themed and it was so much fun. I should probably be shoved in the corner because my dancing skills are not up to par, but a bit of wine made me feel like I was stage-ready.IMG_6428 Sunday, we went on a bucket-list hike. We found an incredible sitter for the kids, and James and I headed out for 8.5 hours of adventuring. As soon as I get done with this post, I’ll be editing the photos for the trail write-up on The Wandering Five.  I love reliving the experience through blogging.IMG_9728

And that’s all I have for you. I know my tone has been kind of down and out these past two posts, and I hope next week will be better. But I don’t have to pretend for you all, right? You’re here because I’m a real person who experiences real emotions. And if you’re a woman, you know how you can feel on top of the world one day and ready to crawl in a hole the next. It’s not great, it’s not something I love sharing, but it’s the truth. And the difference between me today and me a decade ago is that I know it’s temporary. I know that this is mostly cyclical and I just have to ride it out. Feeling guilty or ashamed of the dip in my emotions is a waste of time.

Thanks for reading!

Comments

  1. Shannon says

    What an amazing difference! Way to go. Question- how are your kiddos doing w/ their Fitbits? Thinking of surprising my boys with Fitbits. Not sure if they are needed, as they are really active in sports. I just thought it would be motivating in daily activity.

    • Nicole says

      Shannon,
      Thank you! The kids are still doing great with their Fitbits! They have lost the competitiveness with them, but they still have to get their steps daily. If your boys are active already, it could go either way. But it may make them competitive and therefore even more active! I still swear by ours and I love that it’s a family thing!
      Nicole

  2. Jessica says

    This post hit home for me. I hate that I can be feeling on cloud 9 on day and then the next day (or hour) that feeling is gone.
    You look amazing! Seeing your pictures side by side can really help you to see how far you’ve come in just a year.
    Thanks for sharing!

    • Nicole says

      Jessica,

      Thanks for commenting! I think so many of us feel that way! I’m glad to hear that my comparison photos helped! Good luck in your own journey!

      Nicole

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